What is Domestic Abuse?

"Domestic violence (also referred to as intimate partner violence (IPV), dating abuse, or relationship abuse) is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship.
Domestic violence doesn’t discriminate. People of any race, age, gender, sexuality, religion, education level, or economic status can be a victim — or perpetrator — of domestic violence. That includes behaviors that physically harm, intimidate, manipulate or control a partner, or otherwise force them to behave in ways they don’t want to, including through physical violence, threats, emotional abuse, or financial control." - National Domestic Violence Hotline

Everyone Deserves a Healthy Relationship

Domestic abuse can involve any of the following - it is not always physical:
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  • verbal put downs/being called names
  • shoving,slapping, kicking, bitingchoking
  • controlling money
  • destroying personal property/objects
  • controlling where you go
  •  making jobs impossible to keep
  • forcing unwanted sexual acts
  • threatening to take the kids away
  • listening to your phone messages/controlling your phone
  • monitoring texts 
  • demanding passwords
  • tracking location 
  • ​any behavior that makes you feel unsafe

Controlling behavior: says who you can see and what you can do

Extreme jealousy: may accuse you of having affairs, may act like they own you - and this 'ownership' may increase after significant events i.e. you commit to each other, move in together, get pregnant, etc. 

Promises to stop abusing: after abuse, is sorry & sweet for a while. This "honeymoon" is often followed by tension and more abuse.

Says you cause the abuse: tries to make you think you said something you did not

Blames abuse on drinking or drug use. Blames you for everything.

How you can Help

Do's

  • Open the conversation. (You don't have to wait, and you don't have to do it perfectly.)​
  • Be supportive and express your concern, without being judgmental.
  • Give concrete examples of why you are worried.
  • Ask open-ended questions, i.e. "What is it like to talk about this?"
  • Listen and reflect back what you hear. Listening may be the most important thing you do.
  • Respect their expertise and personal experience.
  • Give options, not answers - don't try to solve the problem for them.
  • Let them know how you can help, i.e. "Call any time" or "I can drive you to court".
  • Refer them to services.
  • Leave the door open. If the victim tells you to back off, do. But try to leave it so that the victim knows they can call on you another time.

Don'ts

  • Be judgmental, or blame the victim for staying. It will make it very hard for you to help.
  • Tell the person what to do, i.e. "You should just...", or "If I were you..."
  • Overuse labels that can feel scary like "you are a victim of domestic violence". Instead, describe behaviors, i.e. "When s/he slapped you...", or "When s/he controls where you go..."
  • Bash the abuser - this person may care deeply for the abuser. You can criticize the behavior without condemning the abuser.
  • Argue the point if s/he defends the abuser's behavior. Return to your concern.
  • Offer to help more than you will be able to follow through with.

Helpful Words & Phrases

  • What is this like for you?
  • It's not your fault, no matter what you have done.
  • You're in a tough situation.
  • You're a strong person.
  • You are not alone.
  • Repeat helpful words like "It's not your fault", or "You're a strong person".
  • It can take a few times for all of us to hear positive messages!
**Remember, most people who are abused do not leave - at least not right away. But you can still help. For more information, emergency shelter, resources or just to talk, see our Need Help page.**
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