What is Domestic Abuse?
"Domestic violence (also referred to as intimate partner violence (IPV), dating abuse, or relationship abuse) is a pattern of behaviors used by one partner to maintain power and control over another partner in an intimate relationship.
Domestic violence doesn’t discriminate. People of any race, age, gender, sexuality, religion, education level, or economic status can be a victim — or perpetrator — of domestic violence. That includes behaviors that physically harm, intimidate, manipulate or control a partner, or otherwise force them to behave in ways they don’t want to, including through physical violence, threats, emotional abuse, or financial control." - National Domestic Violence Hotline
Everyone Deserves a Healthy Relationship
Domestic abuse can involve any of the following - it is not always physical:
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Controlling behavior: says who you can see and what you can do
Extreme jealousy: may accuse you of having affairs, may act like they own you - and this 'ownership' may increase after significant events i.e. you commit to each other, move in together, get pregnant, etc.
Promises to stop abusing: after abuse, is sorry & sweet for a while. This "honeymoon" is often followed by tension and more abuse. The honeymoon can involve 'love bombing'. Love bombing is a form of psychological and emotional abuse that involves a person going above and beyond for you in an effort to manipulate you into a relationship with them. It looks different for every person, but it usually involves some form of:
- Excessive flattery and praise.
- Over-communication of their feelings for you.
- Showering you with unneeded/unwanted gifts.
- Early and intense talks about your future together.
Says you cause the abuse: This can include gas lighting. Gaslighting happens when someone manipulates you into thinking your version of events didn’t happen the way you say they happened. They may gaslight you by making you think you said something you did not, denying the evidence you have or your version of events, or doing everything they can to make you feel like you’re wrong.
Blames you for everything: This can include 'blame shifting', a manipulative tactic that puts blame on the victim when the responsibility actually lies with the person who uses abuse.
Blames abuse on drinking or drug use.
How you can Help
Do's
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Don'ts
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Helpful Words & Phrases
- What is this like for you?
- It's not your fault, no matter what you have done.
- You're in a tough situation.
- You're a strong person.
- You are not alone.
- Repeat helpful words like "It's not your fault", or "You're a strong person".
- It can take a few times for all of us to hear positive messages!
**Remember, most people who are abused do not leave - at least not right away. But you can still help. For more information, emergency shelter, resources or just to talk, see our Need Help page.**
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