Tips for helping someone who might be in an abusive relationship
DO
~Open the conversation. (You don't have to wait, and you don't have to do it perfectly.)
~Be supportive and express your concern, without being judgmental.
~Give concrete examples of why you are worried.
~Ask open-ended questions, i.e. "What is it like to talk about this?"
~Listen and reflect back what you hear. Listening may be the most important thing you do.
~Respect their expertise and personal experience.
~Give options, not answers - don't try to solve the problem for them.
~Let them know how you can help, i.e. "Call any time" or "I can drive you to court".
~Refer them to services.
~Leave the door open. If the victim tells you to back off, do. But try to leave it so that the victim knows they can call on you another time.
DON'T
~Be judgmental, or blame the victim for staying. It will make it very hard for you to help.
~Tell the person what to do, i.e. "You should just...", or "If I were you..."
~Overuse labels that can feel scary like "you are a victim of domestic violence". Instead, describe behaviors, i.e. "When s/he slapped you...", or "When s/he controls where you go..."
~Bash the abuser - this person may care deeply for the abuser. You can criticize the behavior without condemning the abuser.
~Argue the point if s/he defends the abuser's behavior. Return to your concern.
~Offer to help more than you will be able to follow through with.
HELPFUL WORDS:
~What is this like for you?
~It's not your fault, no matter what you have done.
~You're in a tough situation.
~You're a strong person.
~You are not alone.
~Repeat helpful words like "It's not your fault", or "You're a strong person".
~It can take a few times for all of us to hear positive messages!
**Remember, most people who are abused do not leave - at least not right away. But you can still help. For more information, emergency shelter, resources or just to talk, see our resources page.**
~Open the conversation. (You don't have to wait, and you don't have to do it perfectly.)
~Be supportive and express your concern, without being judgmental.
~Give concrete examples of why you are worried.
~Ask open-ended questions, i.e. "What is it like to talk about this?"
~Listen and reflect back what you hear. Listening may be the most important thing you do.
~Respect their expertise and personal experience.
~Give options, not answers - don't try to solve the problem for them.
~Let them know how you can help, i.e. "Call any time" or "I can drive you to court".
~Refer them to services.
~Leave the door open. If the victim tells you to back off, do. But try to leave it so that the victim knows they can call on you another time.
DON'T
~Be judgmental, or blame the victim for staying. It will make it very hard for you to help.
~Tell the person what to do, i.e. "You should just...", or "If I were you..."
~Overuse labels that can feel scary like "you are a victim of domestic violence". Instead, describe behaviors, i.e. "When s/he slapped you...", or "When s/he controls where you go..."
~Bash the abuser - this person may care deeply for the abuser. You can criticize the behavior without condemning the abuser.
~Argue the point if s/he defends the abuser's behavior. Return to your concern.
~Offer to help more than you will be able to follow through with.
HELPFUL WORDS:
~What is this like for you?
~It's not your fault, no matter what you have done.
~You're in a tough situation.
~You're a strong person.
~You are not alone.
~Repeat helpful words like "It's not your fault", or "You're a strong person".
~It can take a few times for all of us to hear positive messages!
**Remember, most people who are abused do not leave - at least not right away. But you can still help. For more information, emergency shelter, resources or just to talk, see our resources page.**
